rationalize this

I've been alone for a long time and will probably always be alone -- it's very unlikely that l'll find anyone who has anywhere near as much interest in me as I do. But, obviously, part of me is not willing to accept that fate. I don't know if it takes courage to date blindly, but it is no small effort to meet people. You are constantly registering the way they look and move and sound, and the effect they are having on you. You are listening to what they are saying and trying to respond appropriately. And all the while you are trying to "be yourself." Which means, I guess, trying to be honest. And trying not to worry about how you're being perceived (that's a tough one). Last night I was marveling at the weirdness of these feelings -- they are real, but their source, or their object, is not. This is perfectly normal, I know, but it feels absurd in this context. I'm trying particularly hard on this go-round not to take it too seriously, to keep it at arm's length by finding it interesting.