choice

He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.

—Sherman Alexie

Yesterday I spent a few hours with Brian, in the Mission. We spent a good while at Gracias Madre, a vegan Mexican place, talking and eating (very good food). I got up to go to the bathroom, and while I was gone Brian got to chatting with a couple at the other end of our communal table -- Alice and Jim, visiting from southern New Jersey. Alice is vegan and apparently it's not easy to be vegan in southern New Jersey. It was a sweet and amusing interaction -- Alice is beautiful in a "real housewives" kind of way (I hope that doesn't seem mean! I don't mean it that way), and Jim is a fairly well-preserved 50-something suburban guy, neither conservative nor liberal. He had a kind of sense of authority but he also talked about liking the Dead -- perhaps because he was talking to people who were not suburban or conservative. He was clearly very proud to be with Alice, in a way that I kinda liked. 

Anyway, at some point Alice asked us how we know each other, and after he deadpanned that I was his sister (and I interjected, wow, that's not a good sign), Brian told her the truth, and she made a show of being surprised that we barely knew each other. So, of course, I asked how long she and Jim had been together and she said four months -- which surprised me a little. And then Jim, a bit of an oversharer, told us how they met -- she was a nurse who took care of his mother (for god's sake), and at first he thought she was too young for him (yeah, right) but then he realized that she was older than she looks (actually, she looked right around 50 to me). She kept returning to the fact that we were on our second date and they were keeping us from it, so eventually we took our leave. After we were out on the street, Brian and I speculated about how long they'd last. He thought maybe another six months -- he did not have positive feelings about Jim -- but I was more optimistic. That may well have been the highlight of our afternoon. That and the fact that Brian came very close to buying a rug from Peace Industry. 

Of course, I am full of doubt about whether I'll see him again. Our interaction was uneven -- partly because this is a very weird way to get to know someone. And partly because I do like him, I think, and that makes me nervous (or shy?). And partly because he's a bit of an odd bird. I often feel like I'm not telling the truth, even though I'm trying to be honest. The trouble is that I don't feel like I know what is going on -- and really, how could I? I don't know if we are making an investment in one another. A lot of the time, this doesn't matter -- we're just having a conversation. But sometimes I get tangled up in the strangeness of our situation. I don't have good dating skills. 

So I'm going to be grateful that I had an interesting afternoon. I could probably write a short story about the encounter with the couple from New Jersey.

rationalize this

I've been alone for a long time and will probably always be alone -- it's very unlikely that l'll find anyone who has anywhere near as much interest in me as I do. But, obviously, part of me is not willing to accept that fate. I don't know if it takes courage to date blindly, but it is no small effort to meet people. You are constantly registering the way they look and move and sound, and the effect they are having on you. You are listening to what they are saying and trying to respond appropriately. And all the while you are trying to "be yourself." Which means, I guess, trying to be honest. And trying not to worry about how you're being perceived (that's a tough one). Last night I was marveling at the weirdness of these feelings -- they are real, but their source, or their object, is not. This is perfectly normal, I know, but it feels absurd in this context. I'm trying particularly hard on this go-round not to take it too seriously, to keep it at arm's length by finding it interesting.

house dreams

Ryan coming on Tuesday to measure. Loan approved. Des most likely available to be the contractor. Now I have to do it. Makes me feel itchy. Actually, I do feel itchy, and I'm not sure why. Too much sun, perhaps. I sat out in the back for a while yesterday afternoon, while the clothes were drying. I was reading the piano stories and trying to keep my face shaded. I was thinking that my right calf is oddly tan, because I roll up my pant leg when I'm riding my bike. I was thinking that I wish I could lose 5 or 10 pounds without trying. I was looking at the tangle of dead and unwanted plants in my back yard. And every once in a while I thought about the kitchen and the laundry room and what I want them to be when all the money has been spent.

Davis

I walked past Davis, sitting in the shade of a small tree in his front yard, sipping from a plastic bottle of some kind of juice. He reached out a hand to shake mine -- long fingers, some of them permanently bent at the top knuckle. A dry, firm palm. His eyes look a little clouded and they are light -- like crescent moons. He nodded and told me that he has lived in his house for 40 years. I told him I had come from the farmers market and he repeated that, dreamily, with the emphasis on the third syllable -- "farmers market -- just the way Hank says it. I am always amazed and pleased by the kind of courtly affability he exudes -- I never seem to get used to it. It makes a woman of a certain age feel good.

beautiful name

Years ago someone I knew then was trying to remember the name of a town just east of Rockridge; he said it had a beautiful name. I've often wondered about that. Is there a town I don't know out there, or over there? I keep an eye out for it.

lonely tonight

Poor lonesome me. For someone as hypersensitive as I am, it's risky to get even a few hopes up.I can't tell if it's pleasurable pain or just plain old pain that I feel whenever I wonder if I will hear from him again. I don't know how people do it, this dating thing. I can hardly stand the uncertainty. Fortunately, I've managed to distance myself from it in the past few days, thanks to Linda and our daytrip to Bolinas.

Sometimes I'm tempted to believe I'm alone because there's something wrong with me. But I think it's better, all in all, to feel strongly. Better than not feeling. I just have to remember that I can't blame anyone else for the way I feel.

The bright side is that I feel like I've been roused from a stupor, and I didn't really know I was in one. Here's hoping I can stay awake for at least a little while. 

understanding

Do not try to understand things too quickly -- people, most of all.

Communication makes you laugh. 
-Lacan

doubt

and insecurity overtook me as I got out of the car. I was not prepared for the weirdness of the end of the date, if that's what it was. Near the beginning he said something about telling himself he would be himself and I said I had been telling myself the same thing, but then I realized I didn't even know what that meant. I mean, I wanted to be a certain version of myself, the one who felt like she was having a good conversation. But I caught myself worrying that I was boring the shit out of him. I can't stop the self-excoriation long enough to figure out whether he was boring me. I just know that my heart sank as soon as it was over. This is why the dating game is so hard.