sundowning

 I sat on the couch while the sun was setting and the sky was changing, and I wondered why I don't do it more often. I was reading an interview with Patti Smith, and maybe her shamanism has infected me! Or maybe I'm just in a certain kind of mood. 

Now it's dark out there. The traffic lights along Third Street are going from red to green to yellow (and so on); the streetlights, of course, are white. I haven't turned on any lights in here. The headlights of cars driving past light up the ceiling at the front of the living room for a few seconds. 

I haven't decided what to have for dinner. Leftover butternut squash pasta? Or an improvised pair of tacos? Or maybe I should make that potato soup with greens. 

It's true

My father told me something when I was very small to instill confidence in me: “Nobody in the world is worth more than you, but nobody’s worth less.” It is an egalitarian view that I’ve carried around in my life. That’s why I am for free schools, free universities, free health care, and free babysitting. Because our society could afford it. In America, people think social democracy is some kind of communism. They think capitalism is freedom. It’s not. It’s only freedom to exploit people.

-Stellan Skarsgard

where does the time go

I pulled the plug on my Instagram account the day after the election. Now I have one fewer connection to our tech overlords and I spend less time scrolling. But, of course, I find other ways to waste time. And maybe I'll get back to this poor old blog that nobody but me knows about. 

Some Mexican music blasting out back, or maybe off the to side of my house caused me to pop in a CD -- Joni Mitchell -- for the first time in a while. 

I need to send something to Laura for her birthday -- it's getting later and later in the day. The trouble is, I don't know her all that well, and I tend to overthink even when I'm giving a gift to someone I know well. 

Can't find my Alliant card. That does not say anything good about the grasp I have on my finances. 

 

childless

Turid Lammers was childless and wanted to remain childless -- in her innermost self she wanted to be the last. 

           --Dag Solstad, Novel 11, Book 18 

            

outline

 

Looks almost like an entryway. We are at the beginning of week six, and I think this project is going to take at least another month. We've lost more than a week to rain, and yet another storm is coming on Tuesday. The crew has been working on Saturday when it's dry. I'm just trying to be patient. 

Had a good walk and talk with K and LM yesterday at San Bruno Mountain. Comforting is the word I would use to describe their company. Today I'm likely to spend all alone. It's sunny but chilly. Seems like a long time since the temperature got up to 60. Last Sunday I walked to Heron's Head under moody skies, and ran into Oriana. 

I've seen quite a bit of PPIC peeps in the past week. Rosa threw her housewarming last Saturday afternoon, and it was good to see Steph B. (and Randy), Heather, Paulette, Becky, Darriya, Niu. Niu and I hiked at Coyote Hills on St. Pat's Day. It was the only spot I could think of that might not be too muddy. Fortunately, it was a beautiful day. We had lunch at a Korean tofu-and-BBQ place in a Fremont strip mall. And, as usual, she would not let me pay. She literally ran up to the cash register before I could get out my wallet. I need to remember to buy her some chocolate. 

during

Entering Week Three with the rebar laid and the concrete pouring scheduled for Wednesday, because it'll probably be raining tomorrow and Tuesday. 

For the first week, I could open my door, but the crew eventually nailed up a piece of plywood and some plastic sheeting, just ahead of the latest storm. 

The removal of the entryway and the stairs revealed two cracks in the foundation. I haven't gotten A's change order yet but I am guessing it'll be an additional ten thousand. Oof. But once these things get rolling you have to keep up, somehow. 

I've been home alone for most of the weekend. A novel feeling. I had dinner at N+T's last night -- stopped at the Bowl on the way there to buy bulk bin and other items. And she sent me home with half a loaf of just-baked bread. It was a nice evening, even given the T factor.

After the zoom with siblings I was planning to stop by the library open house but I found myself unwilling to get my shoes on. It's just sprinkling at the moment, but I'm feeling lazy and cold averse.

Reading Mihail Sebastian's journal has gotten me back into listening to my old CDs. Bach, in particular. At the start, it is 1936 and he's writing about his daily struggles and pleasures -- artistic, romantic, professional -- and of course I know that he'll be chronicling the devolution of his Romanian community into fascism and antisemitism and war. And because I read the introduction, I know he will die just as the war is ending. 

before

I believe the entryway will be torn down on Monday. Finally. It's been three years since I started this process. It has gotten a lot more expensive since 2020; I guess it has also gotten more extensive, but inflation is really kicking my butt.

The demolition and construction phase is supposed to take two months. I assume it will take l longer than expected. It has been two-and-a-half months since I thought it would get started. At least three start dates and come and gone. Tomorrow I will clear out whatever I've left in the entryway since the last time I thought we were getting started. 

I feel some anxiety about the new entryway looking too big and bulky. I keep reminding myself that I've been living with the current entryway in all its ugliness for more than a decade, and I can get used to whatever replaces it. 

And what about my retirement dream? Will I have to wait until I'm 70? I don't want to work that long. I started getting my UCP pension, which is a nice little monthly bonus but not enough to live on for someone like me who is accustomed to paying for wine and other nice things.