unwashed old woman

I haven't showered since Thursday. I caught a whiff of myself as I was walking around Bernal this afternoon, wearing the huge Waubonsie hoodie David gave me. Looking, no doubt, like a woman who doesn't much care what she looks (or smells) like. I walked up the hill and back down, and did some grocery shopping. Also bought wine and whiskey at the bevmo.

Over the weekend I rediscovered Dean and Britta -- the CD Nola burned for me is playing now, as the sky clouds up. It might rain soon.

On xmas afternoon I walked to Heron's Head with Alka. Brad drove over with the dogs and all of us walked out to the end of the spit. These photos are from a solo walk a couple of weeks ago. It has been cold these past few days, which means I don't smell as unwashed as I might otherwise. I'm happy to be home. Happy to be able to turn on the heater and sit close to it. Happy to think that my kitchen and bedroom and the back room will be warmer when there are new windows and insulation. These past few mornings there has been condensation blocking my view out those windows.

holiday chill

I am sitting next to the fireplace and the heater is on. I think it's colder here than in the midwest or the northeast. Strange weather. The sun is out and the sky is blue. I have made my christmas call to mom and dad. I am thinking about going to see a movie. But somehow that doesn't seem like a good idea. I just want to do nothing. Except that it's chilly, and movement warms a body up. Well, so I will have the heat on until I get ready to do something. Like, for example, walking to Heron's Head.

Charlito, the world is chillier without you.

asking too much

When I was young I asked more of people than they could give: everlasting friendship, endless feeling. Now I know to ask less of them than they can give: a straightforward companionship. And their feelings, their friendship, their generous actions seem in my eyes to be wholly miraculous: a consequence of grace alone.

--Albert Camus, The First Man 

If love

If I felt loved by someone I might feel beautiful. Maybe, maybe not. I feel pretty good, most of the time, but I don't have access to the very particular joy of loving and being loved. It's something I think about at this time of year when the daylight is limited and it begins to rain -- if we are lucky we get rain, and we have been getting rain so far this winter. Beautiful, pelting rain! And enormous clouds. A little lightning and thunder on Friday, in the very early morning.

Anyway, I try to love as many and as much as I can. It helps, a lot. I'm still a weasel sometimes, and I let my fear get in control. It also helps to forgive yourself, and others.