could we

Could we tone it down a bit without the whole thing collapsing? Would it be impossible to face up to at least part of the truth? Is the whole thing held together by delusions and lies? Can't we  acknowledge that we've done some people wrong and try to make it right?

sweltering sunday

It is hot; I'm in my purple tank top, thinking about fleeing to the back of the house where it is at least ten degrees cooler. I finished Preparation for the Next Life this morning, because I could not stop reading until I got to the end. I hit a few snags here and there -- syntax that I would've like to have tweaked, and a few sudden, brief narratorial intrusions -- but overall it is lovely, horrible, heartbreaking, and alive. As I was reading, I could hear the singing and some of the preaching going on in the church across the street.

I keep thinking about the difficulty of human interaction, the terrible loneliness and fear that sets people apart and sometimes puts them at odds. I wonder if cruelty and violence are as common or more common than the way I tend to experience the world -- as benign, or indifferent at the very least. I can't quite face up to the terrible unfairness of life. I often feel guilty in a useless sort of a way, especially at night when I am trying to sleep. I think about my old friend Michael Stortz, who used to sit on the El allowing a crazy woman in the seat behind him to pull his hair and poke him with something sharp -- he said he felt he owed it to her. I know I said that was crazy at the time but I have never been able to dismiss it, or forget it.

I am alone today, doing laundry and deciding not to go to the grocery store on the grounds that I don't want to move around much. I go back to work tomorrow, and that will be good. I don't know when the heat wave will subside.