sunday sunset

by myself

"How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. Let me sit here for ever with bare things, this coffee cup, this knife, this fork, things in themselves, myself being myself."

— Virginia Woolf, The Waves

I enjoyed my transbay bus ride to work on Friday -- I don't often get to sit and look out the window on the way across the bridge. It is so ridiculously beautiful. I was very, very tired but somehow when you are sleepless at someone else's house it doesn't seem so terrible. 

I'm in a bittersweet mood that is typical for me on a Sunday. I drank a little too much last night and had fun playing the movie synopsis game with Dave and Tanya and Greg and Chalon and Kate. Suddenly, as Kate was dropping me off at my car, my head started aching, and I was nervous about driving home. But I ended up enjoying the drive -- there wasn't much traffic on the bridge or in SF. I haven't done much with my sunday, so far. A load of laundry is hanging out back, no doubt drying very quickly in the heat and sun. I might be able to convince myself to get groceries and wine and stop by the building supply store.

waiting and forgetting

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Paulo Coelho, “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” 

quite contrary

I don't know how to sleep. I am home today because last night was so rough. I can't blame the raccoons or my neighbors. I was thinking about B for a while but I can't blame him, either. I started thinking about him because I wasn't sleeping. Cat Power is singing "Please don't let me go." I feel it, I really do. But I don't believe in love at the moment.

Oh, poor, poor me. I had a wonderful weekend. Drank too much on Friday with A and E. Came home and felt lonely (poor, poor me). Went to Marin on Saturday, stayed overnight with J+K, hiked Estero trail with J+K, Dana, and Dave. Dropped Dana at the Caltrain station yesterday evening. Came home, could not sleep. Back to where I started.

Feelings come and go and I am getting older. Those are facts. I'm sure these lonesome feelings will fade away. But the underlying lack, or failure, or whatever you want to call it -- how best to deal with that? Should I sign up with match.com or some other service? Should I cut myself loose from the online personals and focus on other things?

II

It is not important, I know. But it feels very heavy, sometimes. Is it really just a trick of the mind? Can I switch it off if I really want to? I'm such a tiny dot on the fringes of the universe, I know this and yet of course I am the largest, most important thing in my little tiny world.

another beautiful sunset

I think it might mean that the air quality is bad, but the sunsets have been so lovely that I almost don't care. The second shot was taken about half an hour after the first one -- as the sun descended, the clouds lost their color.

I have been getting a little more serious about the remodel. I got quotes for caesarstone and neolith from Fox Marble -- the latter is about $900 more than the former. Worth it, I think. Des is going to look at the plan and give me a sense of how much the construction would cost. I'm bracing myself for the cost of dealing with dry rot and other "old house" issues. I owe the architect a few thousand dollars, so far. Can I afford this? It is interesting to be out on a limb, even if it's not life and death.

I'm losing my grip on okc. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and saw an older woman with a ring of fat around her midsection and a plainjane face. I'm interested in myself but I don't blame the men out there for not seeing anything all that interesting. Maybe it isn't the forum for me. I don't know if there's any other forum that would work. I can't see myself suddenly gaining dating skills. I could perhaps push myself to look out for opportunities. But what would that mean?