pre-thanksgiving

I'm watching the sun come around to the front of the house. It is lighting up the western corner of the living room; whitening the sheer curtain. I am thinking about taking a shower. I don't have any plans for the day.

Yesterday I got out the ladder to straighten the irrigation system's rain gauge. One of the cats jumping from the fence to the roof of the shed displaced it a while ago, and now that there is rain the forecast I finally decided to right it. I peeked around the corner and noticed that the shed does not go all the back to Marlon's back fence. Hmm. So I took the ladder to the other side to the yard/shed and peeked around that corner -- seems like the shed goes all the way back on that side. Interesting . . . is this a reflection of the lot boundaries or have the lines gotten blurred over the years? The shed extends 8 to 12 inches beyond the fence that separates my yard from Marlon's, and I've always wondered about that. If I ever get around to replacing it, these questions might need to be answered.

Last weekend (or was it the weekend before last?) I happened to see what looked like a hawk hanging out on the back corner of the uphill neighbor's roof. I don't have a zoom capacity, so the bird is just a spec in the shots I took. The crows were clearly perturbed by this usurpation of their space. They took turns dive bombing, some of them much closer than others. The hawk flinched several times but stayed put. It seemed disoriented -- but maybe that was projection on my part. Eventually, it took off. I hope it landed on a familiar and friendly spot.

Lately I have been walking around the neighborhood a bit more often, mostly over to San Bruno Ave to catch the 8AX. The garbage dumping is amusing and depressing. There is almost always a collection in front of the abandoned house on the 1500 block. Mostly you just see shoes, dirty clothing, food and food containers, and broken-down furniture. But sometimes the mix is particularly odd. It's mind boggling to think about all the things people no longer want.

November, what?

I'm having some trouble with work. When I think about leaving I feel old. I don't know how many more years I'll be working but it can't be all that long before I retire, if I'm lucky enough to be able to retire. Should I move on to another job? The job I have is a good one -- I know this, even in my most frustrated moments. But I've gotten tired of the dysfunction, the particular kind of dysfunction that I've been part of for more than a decade. I've painted myself into a corner by accommodating and perhaps reinforcing weird dynamics in ways that are not good for me. Will anything change (for the better)? I don't know.

In the meantime, I have felt unproductive and unfocused. Too much screen time and not enough creative or social or constructive activity. Writing this morning is a small attempt to counter that feeling. Can I go somewhere over the holiday? I decided not to join n+t in Bisbee, partly because I don't want to spend so much time with t (love him but . . . ). But mostly because I don't want to spend that amount of money. And then I ask myself why not? What is my money situation, really? It's yet another thing that I can't seem to focus on.

Visiting m+d was tender and sad.