November, what?

I'm having some trouble with work. When I think about leaving I feel old. I don't know how many more years I'll be working but it can't be all that long before I retire, if I'm lucky enough to be able to retire. Should I move on to another job? The job I have is a good one -- I know this, even in my most frustrated moments. But I've gotten tired of the dysfunction, the particular kind of dysfunction that I've been part of for more than a decade. I've painted myself into a corner by accommodating and perhaps reinforcing weird dynamics in ways that are not good for me. Will anything change (for the better)? I don't know.

In the meantime, I have felt unproductive and unfocused. Too much screen time and not enough creative or social or constructive activity. Writing this morning is a small attempt to counter that feeling. Can I go somewhere over the holiday? I decided not to join n+t in Bisbee, partly because I don't want to spend so much time with t (love him but . . . ). But mostly because I don't want to spend that amount of money. And then I ask myself why not? What is my money situation, really? It's yet another thing that I can't seem to focus on.

Visiting m+d was tender and sad.