Feelings

Relief, sadness, guilt, indignation, self-reproach, empathy, disbelief, disappointment. All of the above. I hoped it would work out better than this and sometimes I think I should have kept at it but then again I can't really see the point.

Today is Tuesday

Today is Tuesday and I am tired. It is better than it was a couple of months ago but I still wake up burning with heat from inside. I am wearing purple with green. Does that work? And my hair is tired, too -- it needs a visit with Domenique but in the meantime I have it pulled back and out of sight.

I will sleep again when I'm old. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I won't want to sleep because I'll feel very keenly that I have very little time left. I think mom feels this way now.

transition

I have made some mistakes in the past year but I feel like I have to keep moving. So far I have moved from one place to another, and then another, and soon maybe I will move again. Fear and anticipation -- it's hard to tell them apart. Sometimes I feel certain about the next move but mostly I just vacillate. I don't have to make a decision yet but unless the whole thing falls apart I will have to decide eventually. Is it important what I decide to do? Sometimes I think it is, and that's when I feel afraid. Other times I think I'm taking everything way too seriously, and that's when I start to feel capable of making a decision. I need to move, or move on, or move away, or move in. Something like that. How bad could it turn out to be? There's no telling, really. I only have a few decades left, if I'm lucky. So . . . I will make a decision when the time comes and I'll do my best to make the right one.