quite contrary

I don't know how to sleep. I am home today because last night was so rough. I can't blame the raccoons or my neighbors. I was thinking about B for a while but I can't blame him, either. I started thinking about him because I wasn't sleeping. Cat Power is singing "Please don't let me go." I feel it, I really do. But I don't believe in love at the moment.

Oh, poor, poor me. I had a wonderful weekend. Drank too much on Friday with A and E. Came home and felt lonely (poor, poor me). Went to Marin on Saturday, stayed overnight with J+K, hiked Estero trail with J+K, Dana, and Dave. Dropped Dana at the Caltrain station yesterday evening. Came home, could not sleep. Back to where I started.

Feelings come and go and I am getting older. Those are facts. I'm sure these lonesome feelings will fade away. But the underlying lack, or failure, or whatever you want to call it -- how best to deal with that? Should I sign up with match.com or some other service? Should I cut myself loose from the online personals and focus on other things?

II

It is not important, I know. But it feels very heavy, sometimes. Is it really just a trick of the mind? Can I switch it off if I really want to? I'm such a tiny dot on the fringes of the universe, I know this and yet of course I am the largest, most important thing in my little tiny world.