alone

Now that the holidays have passed and we are in a new year I am going to embrace being alone. I have started, finally, to give up the sadness and the disappointment. There is no one to love in the way I wanted to love someone. I can't help that. I have to face up to the fact that I tried to make it happen and my judgment was poor, because I wanted it so much.

I can't shake off all fear, of course! But I can try to embrace that, too. Nothing is perfectly safe, after all. I was thinking about safety after I saw Argo. I had gotten caught up in the suspense, which is easy to do when you are watching a movie alone. But I was thinking about that time, the late 1970s, and how unsafe the world seemed, even though I was barely in it, what with being introverted and frightened of change. Wanting to feel safe is a powerful motivating factor, not always in a good way. You can decide, to some extent, whether to extend yourself in order to feel safe and help others feel the same way.

Anyway, I was walking by myself on Mission St. I had gotten off BART at 24th St. even though I meant to go to Glen Park. I was going to walk in Glen Canyon for a bit before I went home. I didn't realize my mistake when I was halfway up the stairs -- there weren't enough steps for Glen Park. I didn't want to go back down to the platform, so I kept moving, through the gate, up the stairs to the street. I was still under the influence -- I looked at everyone with unwarranted suspicion and felt them looking at me and sizing me up. By the time I got to Chenery the movie was beginning to lose its grip. I relaxed, felt grateful for my coat in the late afternoon chill, admired the angle of the sun, walked briskly along the narrow sidewalk. I got on the 44 bus feeling very fond of the other passengers -- I often feel that way when I am alone among strangers.