struggling

Sunny late morning, a bit chilly. Still no affixed-source heating in this house, except for the stove. Who knew it would be so difficult to find a heater. I am alright but struggling. N reproached me yesterday for neglecting her and that made me realize that I haven't really been holding it together as well as I thought. A rough night's sleep did not help. I feel like I'm looking at my lonely old age at close range. It's melodramatic of me to say it that way but somehow I don't care right now. Perhaps I should go back to the personals and exercise better judgment. Or I could get more involved in doing things for other people. I need to stop feeling oppressed by all the couples and families around me.